A Single Mum in America
by Rathi Ramanathan
This country was all that I had dreamt about and yet in many ways I was unprepared for its darker side. As an Indian and a single mum, America was going to be the land of opportunity for both my three year-old daughter and I.
Yet, after eight months, I still often wonder if I had made the right decision. I am filled with uncertainties as I take note of the individualistic attitudes that is so pervasive in this country. My first rude awakening was my elderly neighbour who, though always courteous, declines to take food that I had painstakingly prepared. I realised that the idea of inviting a foreigner over for a meal appears to be an alien custom here.
Having lived in several countries, including the United Kingdom, and travelled extensively across Europe and Asia, I was taken aback at the sense of isolation I felt upon arriving in the United States. Although people in the Midwest are very friendly, they show little interest in understanding an Asian's perspective. Americans often take the attitude that foreigners have to assimilate into their culture. Having always been accused of holding a Western perspective while in Asia, I was surprised at how desperately I began to cling on to my Asian identity. The feeling is not unlike a passenger on a long flight savouring each word of a book in anticipation of boredom when the book comes to a conclusion.
I am also horrified at the covert racism directed especially towards African-Americans. While being discriminated is not something I am unfamiliar with, as I too belong to a minority group in my country of birth, Malaysia. Nevertheless, I am both confused and appalled at the pervasive negative stereotyping exhibited.
This in turn has made making friends with African-Americans a challenge. Although less wary of foreigners, many are resentful of the fact that we are given "better" treatment than they are. I encourage my daughter Piya to develop friendships with African American children and I also take her to Mandarin classes on Sunday, with the hope that she will grow up to celebrate and respect racial differences in a society plagued by institutionalised racism.
I surround myself with Asians, not because I miss Malaysia but more of the need to be in touch with my Asian identity, for fear that I too will become "one of them'. My biggest fear is that my daughter will not appreciate my Asianess and even view it as a weakness. I now understand why many Asians choose to leave the land of plenty and return to the land of familiarity.
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Page created: January 13, 2005
Page last modified: EST, USA
Ranjit's note:
I met Rathi online around April, 2000. I was 26, living in Arlington, VA, with my sister and was unhappy with my life. She seemed like a cool person and since we share an Indian background we should have made good friends. Unfortunately, I could not see beyond a need to have sex and measured most women in those scales. She did not seem like a good fit by that measure and I did not try to be friends. She stopped corresponding with me when I sent her some of my "way out there" stories. My stories reveal an extremely anguished soul or depending on your point of view, a disturbed man. I guess they scared her. I was too proud of my integration into the American way of life and the destructive coolness of big city life. She sent me this article which was printed at AsianWomenOnline.com. I felt the article was true in spirit and I could relate to it, so here it is re-printed.