Im alive!

Time to start writing my will me thinks

Oh my GOD! I nearly, JUST NEARLY died today!!! Today being 14th July 2004. It was so close. I pooped my pants! I saw my whole life flash before my eyes and everything. There was panic and chaos everywhere!
I HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE! (dum dum dummmmmmmmm)
“OMG PEDRO!! HOW DID YOU NEARLY DIE? ROFL!!” I hear you ask.

Well it happened on a 4-0-fucking-4. It was about a couple of feet away from the Caldmore Green bus stop, near where the off license is………………..(deep breath)………..sorry im still in shock. Well anyway the 4-0-fucking-4 is driving at a FrAnTiC speed of 3mph, just dangerously crawling along, WHEN out of nowhere this Peugeot307 rolled in front of the bus and CrAsHeD into it! A sudden jerk rattled throughout the bus and people were catapulted left, right and centre. Windows shattered, and dogs yelped in fear! Pregnant women went into labour and Jesus rose from under the wheel! It was 9/11 over again. FUCK IT! It was like Judgement Day! The skies poured with chronic diaherrea, and Michael Jackson midget clones ran amok. Satan was even there taking a piss on the corner whilst singing a duet with Jay Leno the chubby cunt with a string of old bitches cha cha-ing behind them wearing nothing except polka dot summer bikinis! (shudder) True Story.

But anyway its funny how one small insignificant incident can unite a nation, or rather a bus full of old people and idiots. It was just so stupid how they went on and on about it, they were literally repeating themselves. For example one old bitch was saying how “the driver went right for the bus” No you dumb bitch, there was no driver, the car rolled because its handbrake wasn’t in function you dumb moose. And it was just really annoying when someone else joined in the conversation and “agreed” with them. It was ridiculous. They were talking shit. Yes a car rolled into the bus and broke a headlight. No one died or got injured, HELL! No one even flinched or jumped. It didn’t happen in the blink of an eye. It happened so slowly, I could have whacked off in the back of the bus THREE TIMES OVER if I chose too (but my mannerism is usually more tamed on the buses…usually)

The whole bus could see this car crawl over the road, and they could blantently see that it wasn’t going to stop. And when it happened the bus just jolted, almost the same way it does when the idiot driver slams on the brakes at a stop for some bitch to get off. But when it happened it was like it was such a shock to everyone. They were all like Oh-no-I-did-not-see-that-coming! God I just got that feeling that I was surrounded by morons. Funny how it disappeared after I left school, but now its come back. WOW Im soo gonna get murdered now for saying that, ahh who gives a fuck!? I nearly died!
But anyway there were so many stupid things about this accident, if you wanna even call it that. Like who caused it and how. Well this is the genius bit. A policeman caused it. That’s right, the people who are meant to protect the lives of innocent…(sigh)…idiots, put the lives of idiots in danger by leaving the goddamn handbrake off. Boy oh boy do I feel safe knowing that the West Midlands Metropolitan Police are roaming the streets of Walsall…ready to run me over. Seriously, even women drivers remember to put the handbrake on (ok that’s taking it too far I know, because we all know women can’t drive at all, they should be banned off the road for the safety of the public.)

Anyhow, this experience has left me with a new attitude towards life! Sort of live life to the max! Im so full of life now! And high spirits! And I will conquer the unconquerable! Be the BEST and…fuck it, I can’t be arsed.

(*NEWSFLASH 13.10.2004* For those who are getting ready to bitch to me about how I said women can’t drive, in the words of the almighty, “screw you”, My brother had a car accident. How? Some dumb bitch crashed into him from behind. He’s very much in pain and still alive and also soon to be rich, so Im going to be his best bro’ from now, but yeah my point is that’s evidence that women can’t drive shit.)

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